life in general

I taught a baby how to say 'moo' whenever she sees
     A) a cow
     B) my aunt Sue

I feel accomplished now.  :)

So now I finally have time and a bit of freedom in which to take advantage of my computer. *breathes a sigh of relief*

I'm a dalmatian/raccoon cross now, by the way.

All in all, I miss my friends. Kari and Carrot primarily, Sleet too, of course, even though he doesn't like me much now. I can't blame the kid. ..; But meh. Whatever. Life's been weird lately.

I'm trying to write again. Failing on artistic confidence. I keep ripping papers up and throwing them away again.

( Warning; depressed rant ahead. )need love...and I feel like a piece of shit. Maybe it's just my imagination, but I feel like I've annoyed everyone I love lately. I'm freaking myself out by personal issues that I'm trying to get rid of, I may have messed up a really good friendship or three, and my parents have started to seriously affect Nyk. >< I love him so much...I hate seeing him hurt and stressed because of the shit that my parents constantly pull on us. >>; I can take it, but I wish he didn't have to...no, I wish he WOULDN'T. x.x; But we're in this for the long haul, and he's gonna just deal with it. There's no way to stand up to my parents. Besides, it'd just end in more hell.

I let people down. You know who you are. I promised to be there no matter what, but then I just...disappeared, didn't I? I know you've lost faith in me, and I deserve that, coach, but...I'm not gone forever. I'm still here. And I still love you both like my own family. :/

I'm jealous of everyone. I feel clingy as hell and possessive. And it's bothering me. I'm spacing out a lot, I've got spiritual shit piling up, and I just dunno what to do.

Also, I did something I probably shouldn't have, but I just can't find myself regretting it...<3

Nobody else seems upset about it, but the guilt is almost a comfort zone now.
 </div></div>
now that that's out of the way, I'm gonna go eat something fattening <3

I've lost a lot this past month. Some of it was by choice, some of it wasn't. I've changed and grown up and my whole world had converted. I've gone from seeing the world through rose-tinted lenses to thorough, sharp color. It's scary and it hurts, but you know what? It feels good, too. It feels good to know that I can be my own person.



The question is, do I want to be my own person?

The response that half of me screams is, NO. I want to give up. I want to leap into the abyss and watch sanity fly past me; I want to let somebody else take control. I want to go drink myself into a stupor and pass out on a friend's ((or stranger's)) couch. I want to run away and get myself thrown in juvi. I want to show up to school high as a bird and get expelled. I want to go cuss my parents out, throw a few punches at my mom, maybe break through a wall or two. I want to go to a rave and break an arm being crushed in a crowd of people and feel the music slam through my body. I want to die and be reborn as a new and thoroughly lost person. I want to be gone.



The other, stronger half of me says that's idiocy and won't help anything. That part of me reminds me that I have a little sister who's going just as crazy from my parents as I am. It reminds me of my big brother in Michigan who loves me, for some weird reason, of my best friend a few neighborhoods over who's had it worse than me and is still hanging on and for some reason loves me even though I've changed a ton, of my two future housemates ((my brother and my mentor)) in Texas who still bother to take care of me and love me even through my crazy ups and downs, and of the fact that now there's somebody nearby who falls asleep thinking of me at night, and texts me every morning the second he wakes up not because he misses his girlfriend, but because he misses Bethany. Me. It jerks me back into myself and reminds me of what I am; wolf, vixen, tigress, girl. Sister, mate, spiritual, and part of a pack. I have more to lose than I could possibly live without.



So, for now at least, I'm still here. But I'm done with all this shit. I'm sick of being in high school-fuck drama, fuck childish, immature responses. I'm sick of most of the people there. The select few; my school-'pack' ((you know who you are)), the people I bother to keep in contact with outside of school on a regular basis...I care about them. The rest? Fuck their opinions and fuck their silence. I'm growing up quickly, and soon I'll be out of here.



I'm sick of letting other people run my life and my emotions. From now on, I'm not going to stand there and let it happen. You screw with me, I don't need you.



I stand alone now and I'm determined to be a better person for it.

COME HITHER AND JOIN IT

Because I'm no longer a tigress and this is how I roll. <3

www.ginnyluff.livejournal.com

I think that's it.

I think I'll post. D:

Thanks to Kari reminding me x3

Ummm...welp, the only real news I've got is that next Sunday ((NOT this Sunday, the Sunday after)), it will be me and Kai's one year anniversary. ^^ <33333 To celebrate, we're having a little wedding thingy on Furtopia. Just for the helluvit. All furtopians are invited. Bring presents. <33

Sleet's gonna be our pastor. *gigglesnort* He did research and everything. x3

Hmmdeedum. What else?

Still open for commission, if anyone's interested, which they're probably not. xD

...LA DEE DA.

Oh hey, Hina? Practice safe secks. :v

Ehee, luff ya girl. Have fun wiff your Mangithing.

WHEEE POINTLESS LJ POST

Ahhh, Cawwotcakes, what would I do wiffout you.

In other news. <3

So we finally have something of a plan worked out. Since Kai and I wanna go down to Texas to hang out wiff Carrot and Kari, it's been kind of a distant dream for awhile, but now we're starting to shape it out a little. ((Well, me an' Carrot are, anyways. The other two are so clueless x'3 That's okay, though, iss why we love them.)) We've got half of a plan going, anyhows. It has everything to do with what happens next year, though--if Kai doesn't have the money or motivation to move up here by next year, I dunno what we're gonna do, cuz we need the money for A) plane tickets B) to eat until we find jobs down there/I enroll in college down there and C) have at least a little bit of rent money for moving in with Kari and Carrot. We plan on getting a duplex or something and living together.

Again, I'm open for commission, if anyone at all is interested-it'd be a huge help toward saving up for said future.

Also, I'm hopefully going to get my permit sometime in these next few weeks. Wish a Ginnydriver luck, and stay off the roads in the meanwhile. <3

I really and truly do.

Anyway~

I know I never post on here, and I haven't checked up on it lately. At all. xD But I will be trying to do so more often from now on, I promise. A lot of shit's been going on with parents and school and whatnot, and it's been really hard to balance that and keeping close to all my friends. But I've gotten a lot closer to a few people lately ((Namely Jakeycake and Sleetmonster)), which is really helpful. I need all the backup I can get.

Furtopians; I know I haven't been on IRC like, AT ALL. And if any of you miss me, I'm sorry ^^; Though I'm probably just seeming really narcisstic to think so. It's been extremely hard to find time to talk to my own mate lately; I know he for one has had a lot of trouble with that x.x; I've also just been in a really down and depressed mood for the past few weeks, which sucks like crazy. I'll be fine, though.

In other news; I'm open for commission if anyone wants anything. However, instead of paying me in monies, maybe pay for things like a collar from www.collarfactory.com ((ask me for details ;3)) and have them sent to me? I can't get anything myself; parents are too weird about it, but I have a PO box I can get things sent to. So that'd be really, really helpful, though I doubt anyone's going to want anything x3 I'll do pictures and stories. <3 No page limit on the story, really, so long as you give me a decent plot to work with. If you don't have any plot ideas, that's fine, just gimme a decent character description and I can do it. <3

This is probably really pointless, so I won't post prices. Just, um, drop me a reply on here or an IM via YIM or even a message on Furtopia or something, I guess, and we can work out specifics.

Um...kthxbai? <3

So I forgot I had this again 8D

I'm not very good at this whole updating busy-ness. >>;

Ummmmmmm...

CHRISTMAS IS COMING RUN FOR YOUR LIVES~!

I bought Mass Effect for Kai. He freaked out when he found out. He was all "ZOMG YOU ARE THE BEST GIRLFRIEND EVER @_@"

I was kind of scared, but then I realized that was a compliment 8'D

I'm sending him the tiger plushie I sleep with every night. Well, one of the three xD

He's gonna send me his Sonic ploosh. :'3 I'm so essited. It will be my new companion. He's also sending me a shirt and a CD and a letter apparently x3

I'm excited.

Rant done now, I'm bored, gonna go talk to my Hina now because I miss her 'n stuff <3

Describe five people, without mentioning any names.
But write no more than five sentences for each one.
See if they can guess who they are.

1. The past half year of my life has been the most amazing time, and I know only better still is to come. You're everything I ever wanted, more than what I needed, the most incredibly perfect person in my world...OF my world, really, because you're all I ever think about. I can tell you everything, every tiny thought in my head, and although I know you're scared sometimes, and you've had lot of shit that beat you down, you're an amazing person...way better than you think, and I hope that someday I can help you realize that. I love you more than you can dream possible, and always will, so stop worrying, okay? You're my monster, and I mean that in the sweetest way possible, because I love you and want to spend the rest of our lives together :3

2. You're always there for me, no matter what. Even though it might be crazy when we're together because no one understands us, and we get high off Nutter-Butters and strawberry pocky, and we constantly steal each other's words out of our mouths, that's okay, because it shows how much we've rubbed off on each other. x3 You understand me most of the time and when you don't, you care enough to listen and actually try to figure out what the hell I'm thinking, and you always support me in it. You're my best friend, and there's nothing that'll ever change that. <3

3. We just started talking again and I'm really glad we are. I missed you a lot, and I know I hurt you pretty bad, and yeah I know I take stuff too drastically --; But I don't mistrust you. Just remember that even though I take a lot of wrong turns and I'm a little edgy now, I do love you as a friend, and I respect you hugely for being mature enough to let me, and to even offer that friendship back to me. I don't deserve it, but I appreciate it more than you know. Thanks for being there, even after all. :)

4. x3 You're one of my best guy friends in the world; you make me laugh all the time with your stories about 'falling off the bed' and 'wrong hole' xD I worry about you constantly, y'know that, and even though it's silly because I can't exactly help from here, I worry anyway. x3 There's nothing about you I'd change, because you're fun just the way you are...and you WILL be taking me shopping :D or else. ><

5. You're not on my good list by now. I honestly don't give a shit anymore about you, because hey, who are you? I apparently never knew the real you. You told me all this shit about loving me like your sister, no matter what, blah blah fucking blah. But you just wanted to get rid of me the whole time? Just SAY that. Don't lie to me and make me feel loved and then make me crazy by suddenly stopping all fucking contact with me! That's immature, that's bloody MORONIC, and you know what? I had a lot of respect for you before. Heh. Fuck THAT, mate. Have a nice life.

wtf?

It's bloody freezing up here. e.e

I hate my house. xD

Anyway, um. RENFEST was AMAZZING. Agains. I went with K-chan, her boyfriend Mike, and Mike's cousin Kenny tagged along e.e That kid's pretty hilarious, in an awkward kinda way. Anyway. I gotted one of these FREAKIN INCREDIBLE shoulder puppets.
He's a blue and white dragon :) I'll give ya a link; you can get one yourself if ya want to:

www.fantasypuppets.com

But yyyep. Other'n that.

K-chan is kinda pissed at me because, seeing as Mike and I are really close friends, he gets a liiiittle too huggy with me :/ it makes me uncomfortable and her upset, she doesn't blame me but I do. It pisses me off. But I can see why he does it...he feels like no one loves him, or so he says...I dunno, it's confusing, it doesn't make much sense at all but whatever. I'm just gonna leave off about it and see where it takes itself; I'm not starting anything if it's not giong to start itself. I'm sick of instigating stuff and getting in the middle of it and then watching it totally screw both me and everyone else over.

On a much happier note!! I got to talk to my Karikinz and Carrotcake on teh phone the other day, that pretty much made my entire weekend <3 They're funny. AND YES YOU GUYS ARE SO TAKING ME SHOPPING <3 For the first time in my life x3

Soooo that's about it. Nothing much to say here.

Oh, of course, I can always say again that I love Kai :) More than is probably healthy for either one of us xD But yes. <3

Kay, nini. <3

People bore me.

You trust them, then they totally screw you over. e.e

Whatever. I lost a hell of a lot less than I thought I had.

Anyway. :)

Shout out to Morgi and all them from IRC right now readin' my LJ xD

Not much to post that I really want to talk about, so...

Nini <3

So I let something slip to someone that I really didn't mean to talk about. :/

I just hope he relaxes about it soon.

But seriously...I just want to point out...I may not have the best life, but it's a hell of a lot better than it could be. I have a freaking COMPUTER WITH INTERNET IN MY ROOM. I have this big room with a bookshelf filled with books. I have a cell phone! I've got a warm bed and food and clothing that I ((somewhat xD)) like. I have a HORSE, okay?

And I have amazing friends, brothers, and the most incredible boyfriend in the world.

That seems pretty good to me.

So my parents might be a little psycho. Um, YEAH. A LOT psycho. I complain about it all the time. But they supply me with what I've got ((minus the last bit)) and I'm grateful for that.

However...things've happened in the past I can't forget, no matter how hard I try. It makes me angry...no, furious; beyond a degree you'd believe me capable of. These feeligns are powerfully overwhelming...

But I won't act on them; I'm not gonna break the fragile thread that keeps me hanging onto these luxuries I've got.

Does that make me weak?

I used to think it didn't. But now...I wonder. Is it smarter to stay silent and just get the hell over it? It works well enough. But is it braver to tell them to shut up and get away?

I dunno anymore. :/

Killed this rant because it was emo 8D

---

Good song.

Cold, But I'm Still Here--Evan's Blue

hello, I'm your martyr, will you be my gangster
can you feel my trigger hand, moving further down your neck
when you hide, hide inside that body
but just remember that when I touch you
the more you shake, the more you give away

cold, but I'm still here, blind, ‘cause I'm so blind, say never
we're far from comfortable this time
cold, now we're so cold, mine, and you're not mine, say never
we’re far from obvious this time

wait, another minute here, time will kill us after all
now can you feel its second hand wrapped around your neck
so fall into my eyes and fall into my lies
but don’t you forget
the more you turn away, the more I want you to stay

cold, but I'm still here, blind, ‘cause I'm so blind, say never
we're far from comfortable this time
cold, now we're so cold, mine, and you're not mine, say never
we’re far from obvious this time

you’re so endearing, you’re so beautiful,
well I don’t look like they do, and I don’t love like they do
but I don’t hate like they do
am I ever on your mind?

cold, but I'm still here, blind, ‘cause I'm so blind, say never
we're far from comfortable this time
cold, now we're so cold, mine, and you're not mine, say never
we’re far from obvious this time

COLD, you broke me from the very first night
I'd love you ‘til the day that I die
I'm far too comfortable this time
COLD, I loved you from the very first night
you broke me ‘til the day that I die
I'm far too obvious this time

So why is it that what one person has, everyone else has to lust after?

It's starting to drive me crazy. ((Short drive, I know, but we're not talking about that for now. :p))

Two of my best IRL friends, Lisa and Spiff ((aka Katie Torbit, as opposed to K-chan; Katie Niehaus)) are upset with each other. Now, I'm a lot closer to Spiff than I am to Lisa, but this is is totally out of line, and I gotta say it's making me pretty annoyed.

See, about a month ago, Lisa got a boyfriend. She's madly in love with this guy. Likewise, I have my Kai, who I am madly in love with. :3 ((More on that in a minute.))

Now, being best friends with her, Lisa and I have both shared occasional anecdotes or spoken about our boyfriends to Spiff, who has stated repeatedly that she's happy for us and wants to hear about our lives and all that sentimental, nice, best-friend bullshit. Now, last night, at MIDNIGHT no less, Lisa texts me really upset because Spiff has totally blown up on her and yelled at her and just been a general bitch. Then, two minutes after really hurting poor Li, Spiff turns around and starts acting like nothing ever happened.

I then find out from Li that Spiff's also pissed at ME for the same thing; claiming that I never spend time with her anymore, and all I ever talk about is Kai. Okay, so while I may not ever be able to stop thinking about him, I'm totally sensitive to the fact that Spiff is hurting and lonely. Therefore I don't talk about him as much as I'd like to, nor did I even tell her we were dating again until a couple days after the fact. She's lately been speaking less and less to me, and apparently this is why.

It's a load of BS, and it's ridiculous.

People are so sick; how can someone claim to be another's best friend if they get angry and jealous over the other person's happiness?! A true friend can rejoice in another's joy without wanting to take it and make it their own.

That's my opinion, anyway. :/

On a much more positive note, KAI'S COMING TO VISIT THIS JANUARY!!!!! I'm so freaking excited no one can even know :D :D :D

I'm a little nervous, no, I take that back, I'm MAJORLY nervous, but I'm really eager as well. I can't wait to see him, can't wait to touch him...but you all don't need to know about that 8D

I love him so much. I can't stop thinking about him, not even when I'm sick or sad or scared. He's amazing. <3

Now, on to my two incredible big brothers. :3

Joey and Tim are the awesomest guys ((other than Kaichu)) in the WORLD. I spent a lot of time talking to them over the past few days; since I hadn't talked to Tim in a long time I really wanted to find out how he's been doing other than what Joey's told me. Unfortunately, he was pretty upset last night ((we all were, actually)) because of this total BITCH who screwed Joey over on a giftart commission. She was supposed to scan it in, like, half a bleeding YEAR ago. It doesn't take that long. :/ It was really upsetting, though, cause she bitched at Joey about it after he very politely inquired about it, and plus it was a GIFT that Joey was getting done for Tim.

Anyway. <3 Point being, I love those guys, 'cause they're my big brothers. Gold, Silver, and me, Crystal :p Because bronze sounds ugly. ;3

I s'pose I'll try to update this more often, though no promises 'cause I'm not so great at keeping 'em x3

I just realized I've still got a LJ. XD This is pretty hilarious.

So...life's pretty much spun in a circle for me.

The thing with Danielle is still eating away at me, but now I'm much much better. :3 Because I finally found love! You all know, obviously; you all know KomodoKai ((Kyle <3 )) and you know me. But I'm gonna ramble bout him anyways.

He's so amazing. :3 He's the perfect guy; he's sweet, funny, affectionate, and has opinions that I agree with enough to leave room for fun debate sometimes. He's incredibly loving and loveable, and uber-easy to talk to. He's got a way of listening that makes me feel like I'm the only person in the world, and just talking to him heals whatever pain I'm feeling at any point in my life.

He's the only guy I'll ever be able to be with, and the only person I want to spend the rest of my life with. And I intend to do exactly that. Because I love him and I need him and, much as it makes me blush to say so, I want him. ((Get your minds out of the gutter; I meant that in more ways than one.))

So, yep, I love him, and I always will. <3

Done rambling now. :D